Ah this sunshine on my lower arms and face
Make me feel so fine
At ease

As if my feelings try to say

You are touched today

I’m having a swell birthday so far.

Had lots of text and messages from friends and family, some cards yesterday, phonecalls and my mom came by with my two stepbrothers.

Tonight we’re eating take-away Chinese (because every once and then I do allow myself to eat some meat) with a beer and House.

This year is going to be awesome! DFTBA!

Sweatlodge

Yesterdaynight I came back from Bigheart this weekend. Every 6 months they set camp in a village and organise Inipi’s, or sweat lodges. My love and me go there pretty much every weekend they are there and this time we took a friend with us.

And I can say, it was amazing. Lakota elder Carl Bigheart guides us while being in the lodge and tells amazing stories and brings all that lives closer together. There is so much warmt and love and compassion at that place and it’s always a sad thing to go again. The days we spend there show us how good we can be for this world and that we cán make a fist. As long as we never forget our connection, all my relations, with every living thing and soul, we stand strong.

The lodge on Saturday was really busy. I went out after two rounds but had an amazing lodge. Sunday was a lot quieter and there was a lot of space in the lodge intself, so I completed the four rounds. It’s been a while, ‘cause I’ve been afraid in the dark and heat for a long while. The last time was… two years ago I think. But yes it was good and it was an amazing experience.

Grandpa Bigheart told about the stones which are warmed on the fire, that they were made in the fire of the vulcano and now make us sweat, make us return the sacret water we drink every day. The sweat returns to the earth and sky and the land. Plants and animals will drink away their thirst with the water that once nurtured our own bodies. And it’s true and how great is it that we have this connection?

‘And even when you hate your bodie, your flesh and shapes… You can still love the water that your body holds.’

I love Grandpa so much and if I grow up to be a man, I’d want to learn and become as solemn and inspirational as he is.

 It’s me, it’s me, it’s me.

The end of a day.

And i’m glad it’s over. My head and body were ready to go to bed around 2 pm, and my mood is a terrible thing at the moment. School was just… confusing.

I’m behind on some classes which is okay, because I will get there, but I decided that I just wanted to work on my own. Nice and quiet. No classmates jabbering. But the teacher didn’t agree, because ‘We have to start on the last preparations for this period.’

And I get that, really… But I just felt like a 16 year old boy when he said that to me. Smiling a bit, making me aware of the dangers of it. I’m becoming 23 in three weeks and yes I am aware that I have twenty hairs on my chin and a voice like a 10 year old. It just makes me so extremely dysphoric.

And it rained, and I felt lazy, and I am just stressed.

So it’s a book, a boyfriend and my Gromit pluche and I can plunge into my bed. And I feel quite satisfied about that.